i already hear my dad disowning me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you traded sex for a burrito?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
