my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
