Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
