ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
