My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
