He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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