I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
2020 sucks, I want a refund
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
