Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
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Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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