I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
How's work?
Spinning.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
