New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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