She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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