I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
