cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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