quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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