I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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