There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I wear drunk well.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
