Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
