How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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