ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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