So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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