you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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