HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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