think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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