I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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