if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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