wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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