i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
