Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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