i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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