I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
