I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
two words: eviction party
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
