apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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