i think i have two assholes
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
