Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
