I am spending my child support on dildos
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
