I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
