Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
