I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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