so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
