Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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