I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
