I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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