Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I believe in your delicious
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
