Your dad touched me again.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Houston, we have a blender
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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