my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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