you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
