Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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