i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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