Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
