she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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