It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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