I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
