I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
