True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
