forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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