After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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